“Cougarass”

They hype around the show/movie “Jackass” and the popularity of the term “Cougar” somehow crossed paths in my mind. For those of you that don’t know what these are…

Jackass – Boys doing really stupid stunts on camera – something like my brothers would do

Cougar - A 35+ year old female who is on the "hunt" for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in San Francisco (or other cities)waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path.

My thought... What if there were a “Cougarass” There are many opportunities for laughter in filming these situations or stunts:

· 30 boxes of Calgon in a pool
· Tattoo
· Tattoo removal
· Piercing
· Stitches
· The gym – figuring out how to use all the machines
· Dating child’s teacher
· Dating older child’s friends
· Dressing for first date, including the packing of the purse
· Textual relationships
· Restraining orders: How far can you push
· Facebook self esteem issues
· You’re going to be a Grandmother!
· Stop drinking coffee
· Wine shortage
· Victoria Secret clearance shopping
· Juniors clearance rack at any store
· Cancun trip - Cougars gone wild! Without underwire!
· Swim suit shopping
· Hannah Montana intervention
· Bling; How much is too much?
· Medication and dosage changes
· Menopause – including pre & post
· Switching teams – Is another man really the answer or should you explore your options?
· Getting the right smart phone plan
· Mastering TV remote controls
· Buying beer for boyfriend
· Meeting boyfriend’s mom
· Telling people you are pregnant when they know you've had a hysterectomy
· Figuring out the how to use the Play Station

I have enough friends to get this project started. Who’s with me?

Coffee; Mother’s Milk

Couldn’t figure out why the kitchen smelled so good, warm and inviting… Crap! Instead of hitting the auto button to time the coffee to brew in the morning I hit the ON button. Here it is bedtime and I have full pot off delicious coffee. But not just delicious, expensive coffee. How can I waste this pot of coffee? Do you know how long it takes coffee to grow? Forever. And how time consuming it is to pick it, roast it, bag it and ship it? Haven’t you ever read or seen “Out of Africa”? When the season’s coffee crop burned it was very emotional for multiple reasons and not just because Meryl Streep’s accent had finally worn on you by then. Bet that was a good smelling fire though… "I had a farm in Africa at the foot of the Ngong Hills..."

Anyhow, I couldn’t waste it. Poured what I could into a glass jar and put in the fridge. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it. There was some that wouldn’t fit in the jar. I drank it. I mean I couldn’t waste it.

Now it’s 3:00am and I’m awake writing about the virtues of coffee. I thought surely washing down a Tylenol PM with coffee would have balanced the effects. NOT. I’m wide awake AND drowsy. It’s kind of cool actually…

What if we didn’t have access to coffee? Coffee trees will not grow in Texas, or anywhere else in the contiguous United States. We are completely dependent on imported resources. Screw the oil… we’ll eventually find another energy source to replace that. NOTHING can replace coffee. We need to secure our supply. I’m thinking there would be a lot of support for military action if coffee were involved; “Operation Tropical Storm”, sponsored by Starbucks.

Desert Island game: If you could have one thing if stranded on a desert island? Coffee; Mother’s Milk.

Stupid Problems

People are really spoiled these days. What we call problems… Caroline Ingalls would call luxuries (Little House on the Prairie reference for those of you that didn’t get cable back then). So before you feel the weight of your world on your shoulders… just ask: “What Would Caroline Do?” I think she’d brew up a homemade poultice to put on the scratch on her leg that gets infected and almost kills her because there were no antibiotics back then and tell us to shut the hell up.

Stupid problems we have
· Gluten level in our pet food
· No HD option for the movies you watch on your PHONE
· 5 second internet latency
· Actually using math at your job
· Pool light is out
· Teeth are stained from rich frothy coffee, expensive cigars, cigarettes and chocolate
· Missed it on sale
· That's last year’s purse
· Slow printer
· Writing something besides your name
· Tired of leftovers
· Facebook is blocked at work
· Hot beer
· TV writers strike
· The concho fell off your $60 flip flops
· 15 minute wait for the doctor
· Line at grocery store checkout
· Over done steak
· Late plane
· Stinky bug spray
· Feasible problems
· DVR hard drive crash
· Need to fax something

How Cool Mom’s are like Strippers

Meeting needs
o To Candi Kane (she’s the stripper BTW): “I need a laptop dance!”
o To Racing Around Mom Teri (she’s not the stripper, under this name): “I need to go to ballet!”

Makeup
o Luscious Flavor: Extra eyeliner
o Tired Mom Jen: Extra concealer

Personal Hygiene
o Miranda Rights: Wax on, Wax off (muff)
o Ozzie & Harriet Mom Jane: Wax on, Wax off (mustache)

Cleaning
o Fawn Star: Douche bag
o Tidy Mom Jessica: Vacuum bag

Cooking
o For Fluffy Beaver: I can feel up the bacon!
o For Chef Mom Brenda: I can bake the turkey-bacon in the carbon free solar powered convection oven in a recycled pan.

And never let him forget he’s a man…
o Bendovra Pole’: Nasty nighties, sexy dance, bendy, and let him touch (just a little).
o Miss Jackson if you’re Nasty Mom Natalie: Nasty nighties, sexy dance, bendy, and hope that he touches (just a little).

Glitter Everywhere
o This list came to me when I realized how often I find glitter amongst the cat & dog hair I continually sweep up. Kind of weird actually…

Martha "Sue" Projects

Found a new outlet for creativity, recycling and keeping my 5 year old daughter busy; placing objects in plants and making stories. She is all over this! No TV, mind exercise, funny... it's awesome. Here are two of them. (See if you can guess which one is mine)

The other new project is; Hanging broken or unused stuff to make a wind chime. The brilliance behind this is that she loves looking for broken or unused stuff! She's inadvertently cleaning her room.

Why I'm going to hell

• At Baylor I wrote a fiction book critique research paper on the Old Testament. Then I had a religion major proofread it.
• I write ghost stories in guest books. Or "great job cleaning up the blood. I never thought this place would be the same." Or "Great web cam placement."
• I think the shoplifting prevention detectors at the entrances of Walmart should randomly sterilize 1 in 10... to start with anyway.
• I was a Danny White fan.
• One of my dogs had a head injury. He's recovering. Mostly. Once I knew he would be ok all I could think about how cool it will be to have a brain damaged dog. He holds his head cocked to the right and walks in right turns. The stairs are the best. When he follows me around I walk to the left.
• I wish desperately for a taser.
• Veggie Racial profiling: I like salad but I don't like lettuce on my sandwiches or burgers. The salad on the buns is always crappy and there's a too much of it. Lettuce salad is superior; discrimination knows no boundaries.
• I was disappointed that the documentary "Pig Bomb" was about the expanding wild pig population and not... But I love love love a show called "Cougartown" and its not about wildlife...in the forest/jungle type wildlife I mean.
• I report the old people taste testing in the bulk foods section of the grocery store.
• I told a woman at target that "she shouldn't be wearing that." - Spandex and cellulite, you paint the picture (And I was right).
• On my way home and after 15 minutes of following behind a terrible driver from Vermont, he finally pulled over at a convenience store. The first 8 "almost turns then pull back out in front of me moves" must have just been practice. Pulled in next to them to them and asked:

Me: "Visting? When you going back?"

Them: "A week"- Smiling & receptive that "Texas hospitality" they'd heard about.

Me:"Good."

I'm Back! I'm still tired!

I'm back! A bit of a hiatus... will explain later...

just another typical day at home:



Corey hits the door stripping off her clothes to change into her bathing suit. We’ve had two weeks of good weather…. Just long enough for her to develop her summer routine. She’ll wear one to school under her clothes if she can get away with it. She’s yelling let’s swim, let’s swim. It makes me laugh because she’s lost her two lower front teeth so she has a lisp.

Poop Scoop Patrol! Corey is totally diggin’ this and I do not know why… but you can imagine the “load” the new dog has created (Great Dane)… thus increased patrol frequency.

Yard inspection. What needs to be done this evening? Water? Smell the flowers. According to Corey there are still weeds that I need to pull and why are they growing in the mulch around her tree house.

Dinner: (kick ass dinner! – and yes I made it.)
· Lamb
· Red potatoes, apples & acorn squash – roasted
· Homemade strawberry pear bread pudding.
· While I was gone to pick up Corey from school, Athena (the Great Dane) ate half the vegetables then threw them up all over the kitchen floor. No Mom, I did not feed that to Schuyler and Dalton… yet.

Corey and I sat down to a nice dinner, even used wine glasses. She dipped everything in ketchup and cleaned her plate. Don’t care. She ate it.

Tried to walk all four dogs at once. Mistake is an understatement.

Made homemade bug spray – This is brilliant. It’s safe enough to drink. – Will write a separate piece on that when I refine the recipe. But Corey wants to spray it on her all the time, on everything outside. Doesn’t matter, she can. Go ahead and waste it because it’s cheap to make! And oh yea, it keeps bugs off you… we’ll see on the effectiveness… but at least it will keep Corey busy FOREVER.

Corey taking bath… in her bathing suit of course, testing her goggles. There’s a nose cover and she wants to make sure it works before she uses it in the pool.

I hope she's tired because I am...