Great poem

Poem sent to me by a friend of mine... I'm hoping the part that reminded her of me was not the asylum part :)

Counting Miracles at the State Asylum
by Rhett Iseman Trull

Some nights, Estelle lets us join her outsidewhile she take a smoking break
and calls her girlfriend on her cell phone.
Josh and May and I sit nearby in the grass,
leaning against each other, counting miracles.
Not white doves drifting by at just the right moment
or some former comatose staggering back from the brink,
making talk-show claims about light. We don't believe
anymore in that rare luck some call blessing.
But we've learned a thing or twoabout miracles for the common man,
the stuck man: a nest of robins about to hatch;
fast cars on the highway, going somewhere;
in the sky, webs of lightning.
And that squirm of rhythm
whenever the stars flare up, holding onto centuries of wishes, polishing them
over and over. The stars know the dangerof even a bingo-paced Wednesday
and light themselves every night in celebration
of the simple fact of our survival.

Love it, love it, love it!!!!

I love craigslist

I love craigslist... you really can find anything:

Portable Stripper Pole for sale

This stripper pole was made for someone to use while they attended the ROT Rally earlier this year. Now we really don't know what to do with it. A lot of hard work was put into this. It was very well made with iron and hard wood flooring and a very sturdy pole. It can be disassembled for hauling. If you are interested, please inquire for more information. Only serious inquiries please. Price is negotiable. Very interesting and cool piece of work!!!


Here's my latest post... When I sell something regarding the "unappreciative teenager, " I always get tons of fan mail. Maybe I should open that as an EBAY store....

Hi Craigslisters! I need help again with that darn unappreciative teenager again!

You've previously purchased everything in his room when he was extremely unappreciative... and you bought his first car (a super cool classic BMW) when he blew the clutch and assumed we'd just fix it. He finally dug himself out of that hole... and now, different vehicle but blew another clutch... It's been sitting in my drive way and I'm not digging that. He's been taking classes to work on it... and actually I would prefer him fix it himself...except it's going to take too long to save up for parts and I'm not going to have a disassembled vehicle in my garage for weeks. We are just tired of playing taxi cab. We need something that's running... and ugly is fine with us. In fact, ugly is much better. He's not in an extreme amount of trouble at this time, but if we are going to get him yet another vehicle instead of waiting it out on the repairs, then he needs to learn a lesson. Hate that we need to, but he can't save the money without working, and he can't work with out transportation... kind of a catch 22. If I can get him a running vehicle, I can always find another way to torment him. He's basically a good kid overall, just continually testing boundaries and for weaknesses in parental control... got to keep those teenagers on the straight and narrow!

Sooo... what are we looking for? Someone that will come get this, and bring us a running vehicle. Depending on what you have, I can add a few $ that I will ceremoniously remove from his college fund, or possibly throw in a few other items. Or, is there someone that can fix it and possibly show him how to fix it? I've put out an email on someone parting out the same type vehicle. It would be great, but I don't have a place for him to do that, or all the tools.

Other trade possibilities (i.e. other stuff we have that I can't fix, or someone doesn't need):
- Dell Mini - XP, running fine and I like it... just don't use it much and would be worth it to give it up for this.- Montegue mountain bike - very cool, but tire keeps going flat - have new tire, new tube, but an unhandy and procrastinating husband. And if it's the wrong tire I even have the reciept for target and you can take it back. It's the kind where the tire can come off and you can fold it up. If I didn't think my son would get run over, I'd make him ride this instead as punishment, but unfortunately it's just not feasible... and I'd probably get reported for some sort of child abuse. Everyone's a CPS expert these days...- Teenager's XBOX60 and 20" flat TV. - I think he has a few games and one of those guitar things... two wireless game controllers (this trade would be preferable as this would be painful for him and it would make me laugh. "So you want a working vehicle? What are you willing to give up?"

The car:
The clutch - A friend of mine said it was possibly the bearing only... but that it's usually just as good to replace the clutch and the bearing comes in the kit. I did some research and we found clutches new and used from $150 - $300 and that bearing... if it's the right thing around $50.

Other work that needs to be done...
- Not starting, but we have a starter, brand new right here with it. And that may not actually be the issue, it's just been sitting. Charged the battery , but no game. Have an extra battery as well, brand new that can go along with this.
- Driver side window won't go up, we can probably get it up with taking apart the door, but they are all power windows and i'm a bit tentative about that. It's currently covered with an attractive pink air mattress to keep out the rain.
- It needs to be inspected
- It does have four pretty good tires and a spare...
- He has also put a huge home speaker that's about as big as the back seat in the cargo area. This can be removed easily, unless you'd like to have it as well to add to the ambiance.
- It's green, and not perfect on the outside... but it's a vehicle.

I don't like having to do anything with this situation; reducing the punishment and risking the perception of rewarding bad behavior, but it's a practicality thing... And did you know that I still have to pay insurance on him whether he's driving or not as long as he has a driving's license? Thought I could save some money by dropping the vehicle while it's not moving... nope... I'd actually have to revoke his license to do that. I did consider this... printed out the paper work and will be hanging it on the fridge completely filled out and signed the next time he smarts off... but again, just not practical. I need this boy to drive.

If you can help, let me know. If you can commiserate, I like that too.

Thanks!
Strict Mom

We've gone youtube...

Check out the videos on youtube...

http://www.youtube.com/youmakemetiredtv

Now you'll see why I have so much material... sometimes it's hard to narrow it down to just one pet peeve or incident...

Watch the awards shows for my nomination in what I guess would be educational videos?

"This is not how to start a fire"
"Flip Flops are Flameable"
"You too can torment your children"
"No one got hurt... much"
"Why you should save for boarding school tutition"
"Everyone can dance"

Enjoy

Is the glass half empty of half full?

Alternative interpretations:

· I don’t care if it’s half empty or half full… All I want to know is where did some kid spill the rest of it and has it already created a stain?
· Half empty – Some kid poured a large glass of expensive organic milk, drank half and left the other out to spoil
· Half empty? Great, room for more vodka
· Half full? Still enough to wash down my valium
· Can’t anyone put their cup in the dishwasher when they are finished with it?
· Whose glass is it, is he still drinking it and is there an opportunity here to add a little something something… and is everyone’s life insurance active?
· Should I check my hubby’s latest Facebook posting to see if it’s his? He’s become addicted to Facebook. “Drinking a glass of lemonade. Half way thru I found a cat hair so I left it for my wife to clean up.”
· The glass was found in my teenager’s room and if it is ever to be used again it will need to soak for three days to get the crusted remains of who knows what out of it.
· Is it cold enough to throw on my hubby while he’s sleeping in the recliner when he should be cleaning house, washing clothes and cooking dinner?
· I don’t care, I’m too tired to think about it…

New gym obsession

For some odd reason, at the ripe old age of 38, I decided that I needed to get into shape. The flab and cottage cheese finally got to me… plus I bet a guy at work that I could beat him arm wrestling. Anywhooo… I have been working out since March, and I have finally discovered that if I move my boobs up, there ARE abs underneath and they are starting to creep out of the fleshing mass of stretch marks. Unfortunately no amount of working out is going to get rid of the scars of child birth. Now that… the joys of birth and the scars you carry with you is a whole different blog subject. All I’ll say is that I better get my mommy makeover for my 40th birthday. Boobs put back where they started 25 years ago and tummy tucked.

Going to the gym has been quite interesting. I of course had to have gym fashion and have sports bra tanks, running shorts, running shoes, etc. Finding supportive tanks was interesting… but I finally found some that sufficiently leash them up so I can exercise. I was feeling pretty good about them actually… I have a favorite that I wear whenever it’s clean. And I thought it must look good on me because people looked at me when I wore it. Figured out why the other day when I moved did a few exercises near the mirror… you can completely see my nipples thru it… and even more so after I’ve sweated a bit.

Exercising itself requires some coordination and skill when you are using these machines. I was intimidated for a long time and have slowly worked my way around to most of them. I’m hoping that I’ve figured out the right way to use them. One thing I hate though is the sit up board. I got tired doing crunches the other day and I couldn’t get my feet unhooked correctly and fell off of it.

I totally dig our treadmills, ellipticals and cross trainers. They have TV’s on them. I usually don’t actually listen, but I watch and it clears the mind. Add the IPOD and the lack of ability for anyone to contact you for at least 30 minutes and that’s pretty much my idea of heaven. I can completely forget that the skinny bitch next to me is jogging an 8 minute mile on the treadmill in her size 2 running shorts and tank top that doesn’t show her nipples (She doesn’t have boobs anyway, so that is some consolation.), while I’m celebrating the first time I run ½ a mile all at one time and don’t collapse, slip on the treadmill and shoot across the gym floor into another machine that makes my legs sore.

Luckily most of the people there are older adults that are just as out of shape as I am… and several that are fatter than me. Sorry for them… but happy for me. A few of them I just want to smack though. How does getting on the exercise bike and pedaling the minimum speed while texting on the phone for 30 minutes count as a workout? Why don’t you just pull thru the donut shop next door on your way out? Yeah, there’s a donut place in the next parking lot. If you work out in the morning you can smell them. It’s wrong on so many different levels.
But I’m not giving up! I’m going to keep plugging along… I’ve become addicted to the stress relief. If I could just figure out a way to work on that treadmill… life would be perfect.

NEW BLOG - AND YOU GET TO WRITE IT!

CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG...

REQUESTING YOUR PARTICIPATION!

http://idontwanttobeyoutherapy.blogspot.com/

I don't want to be you...

Sneezing

I’ve recently been plagued with allergies and thru the snot and achoos, I’ve discovered there are definitely some times and places that you DO NOT WANT TO SNEEZE

NEVER SNEEZE WHILE YOU ARE:

· Removing that pesky peach fuzz above the lip with Nair. Inhaling largely after the sneeze doesn’t help the situation. And yes, Nair work on nose hair.
· Driving down a street with LARGE light poles, one of which you are very close to
· Jogging on a treadmill trying to get your out of shape, beer drinking, smoking, baby birthing ruined body back into some sort of shape so that your husband will not laugh when you wear a sexy nightie and you can cut down on the battery budget.
· Anytime you are leaning down and there’s a counter, cabinet, cabinet door, drawer, refrigerator door, car door, bat, broom hanging on the wall, front loading washer or dryer door, shelf or anywhere within three feet.
· Swimming underwater
· Spraying wasp killer
· Conversing on instant messenger
· Painting toe nails
· Cutting anything with a sharp knife
· Mid-swallow of drinking anything, especially beer because that burns the most when it comes out your nose… especially if you sneezed earlier during a Nair treatment


Conversely, I also found there were times that it was very acceptable to sneeze:

· Before, during or after sex – unfortunately for some, one sneezing spell may cover all three time periods
· Cooking – as long as no one sees you
· Talking with someone you don’t like
· Boring meeting
· When your teenager is trying to ask you for money
· Arguing with any type of customer service representative
· Pooping – it helps

Hubby in a Pickle

{Big sigh} My husband can still surprise me... We were unloading some vegetables I'd brought home from the farm garden, and at the bottom of the bag were a few small cucumbers. He picks them up and looks them over and says:

Hubby:"What are these? Pickles?"
Me:"Pickles?"
Hubby:"Well, pickles... that's what they look like"
Me:"Honey, do you know what pickles are made from?
Long pause as he looks at me and I can tell his wheels are turning...
Hubby:"Well I know they still have to be pickled, but these are pickles, right?"
Now I realize that he's not joking...
Me: "Yeah, we grow pickles. I have a few in our garden, too. They are right next to the raisin bush."

Later that afternoon I sent him to the grocery store with a VERY specific list. (I even put it in store order) One of the items listed was Pickles - Claussen's Kosher Dill Sandwich Slices. As we are unloading the groceries, he pulls out the generic brand pickles, saying that he couldn't find the Claussen's. I make "yick" face and tell him that he can eat those, because I'm not.

Hubby: "A pickle is a pickle, these are fine."

I pull out what we have left of the Claussen's. He tries the generic and I can tell he's resisting making a "yick" face. Then he tries the Claussen.

Hubby: "Ok, you're right. There is a difference."
Me: "Of course there is. It's the only kind of pickle I'll grow in my garden..."

Wedding Invitation

My mom emailed me a funny wedding invitation... You are regretfully invited to the wedding of my perfect son, the Doctor to some cheap, two-bit tramp whose name escapes me right now... You get the picture... you've probably seen it in an email before. It inspired me to come up with my own:

Your presence is required to witness the wedding and transmission of responsibility of my son

Buddy Bob Smith

to his new faux mother and keeper

Candi Kane

The most liberating day of my life will take place on

Saturday, DATE

In San Gabriel Park

because we have no funds available to rent a decent place due to the continued unemployment of my husband and the fact that we've already spent quite enough money on this kid (of which my hopes for RIO are slim). Consequently any wedding funds have been directed to savings for the next child as this one is more likely to take care of me in my old age.Please bring any appropriate decorations that you may have for this event. Free balloons are handed out to children at the HEB down the road and there are still flowers blooming along the roadside.

The reception will be held at the Sonic two blocks away. All wedding guests will need to be there promptly at 8:00pm to receive their free Rootbeer Float as advertised, accompanied by one item of your choice from the $1 menu.

The couple is registered at:

State Farm Insurance

AT&T - Mobile Go Phone

Itunes

Exxon Convenience Store - Williams Drive

IKEA

The couple will be honeymooning at Family Compound Bed & Breakfast. (We're going all out; hooking up the water to the trailer and changing the sheets) After a weekend of celebrating their vows, they will be moving in with the bride's family and all non-monetary gifts should be sent to ADDRESS. All monetary gifts can be sent to Mommia at ADDRESS. If you do not wish to send gifts at this time, note you will have a second opportunity at their baby shower. Date and location are pending paternity test results.

Thank you in advance for your attendance at this proceeding. Please RSVP promptly if you are a notary so that the transfer of ownership and all debts can be properly documented or if you can legally perform wedding ceremonies as cousin Earl may not be able to complete the online course in time to be ordained.

Girl Day

I recently had a “Girls’ Day” with my friends and we had a blast! As we are older and much more mature (LOL), it was definitely different than it was when we used to go out though. Since this is what I’m paid to do (I wish), here are my observations:

· Your true friends will always remember the most significant moments of your life, but more importantly the most embarrassing!
· Laughing until your face hurts is the best pick me up ever
· Each hour that you stay up past 10:00 is an accomplishment
· We wonder how we ever made it without cell phones!
· Everyone was relieved that we weren’t actually going to have to get dressed and go out some where
· No two drinks are ever made alike, and they get stronger as the evening goes on…
· We are all very sorry for the antics during our teenage years now that payback is looming
· Sunscreen is good
· Temporary tattoos are still the most fun ever!
· Explicit agreements on what gets posted on Facebook need to be made prior to alcohol consumption
· CMT & MTV have been replaced by HGTV, Travel Channel and the Food Network
· We can all afford to buy better beer than Natural Light, and that’s a good thing.
· Someone throwing up before the night is over is not a given
· The truth may still hurt, but at least your true friends tell it to you while you are drunk and you can all laugh about it!
· And luckily, some things never change… Wendy still needs that last beer and cigarette!

Signs you have been watching too much NCIS

NCIS

· Give the checker at the grocery store the NCIS Slap
· Seriously considering stalking Mark Harmon
· Purposely rent Summer School
· Become an anti-Mork & Mindy fan just because he’s married to Pam Dawber (How can anyone not like Mork & Mindy?)
· Start wearing you hair in pig tails and dressing Goth
· Name your daughter, or pet Ziva
· Commit a crime on a naval base in hopes of getting arrested and interrogated (ooh lala) by Mark Harmon, aka Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
· Introducing yourself as “Special Agent…”
· Wishing Mark Harmon had been on Oz (so you could see him naked)

Happy Mother’s Day!

First of all, Happy Mother’s Day to my mom (Scoring big points by wishing her this on an extremely famous public forum). And then Happy Mother’s Day to the women that are my friends and family. Better take this wish, because it’s likely one of the few times you’ll be appreciated as a mom.

Being a mom has been the most challenging learning experience of my life. Forget “Chicken Soup for the Mother’s Soul”, it’s been more like “Sloppy Joe’s that Save the Mother’s Sanity.” I never understood why my mom was always so busy until I had kids of my own. Now, I don’t understand how she made it thru without antidepressants, Starbucks, Nickelodeon and the Target $1 bin. What I do know is that all mother’s have an intrinsic motivation to be the best mom ever. This of course, is unobtainable. And then we beat ourselves up over this “failure” day after day. I’m here to tell you, that on this Mother’s Day, and every day going forward, cut yourself a little slack. Moms are people, too. And if we didn’t screw up our kids at least a little, there would be thousands of mental health professionals out of work.

So to the tired, working moms… if you pick up your kids from the daycare that you feel like is raising them and drive thru McDonald’s on the way home one evening because you are just too tired to cook… get over it. As long as you don’t do this every day, your kids will live. You can’t make an entire homemade meal every night, from organic vegetables you grew yourself or picked up at the local farmer’s market, accompanied by homemade bread and lightly flavored water. Martha made everything from scratch and how’d that turn out? She went to jail and her daughter has become famous by making fun of her on TV. (“Whatever, Martha” – check it out… hilarious!) Stay at home mom’s have even more pressure to be perfect, after all… the whole point of them staying home is to raise the children, clean the house and serve a perfectly cooked nutritional meal every evening with a smile on her face and spring in her step. Pure insanity. Anyone that has spent 24/7 with a toddler knows that it’s time to find a relief babysitter when you are striking up a conversation with a telemarketer just to talk to another adult. Just remember that Benadryl is a safe drug and it can treat all types of allergies and sickness for kids and moms… especially if mom is sick and tired of gluing macaroni to paper and cleaning up fossilized food that someone hid under a cushion.

What you mom’s have to realize is that you need to give yourself a break. Yeah, your kids and maybe even your husband show their appreciation on Mother’s Day… but it’s up to you to take that appreciation and time for yourself on a daily basis. Don’t worry about parking that kid in front of the TV for an hour or so while you read a book or a gossip magazine. They won’t be scarred for life and their brains won’t turn to mush from too much TV. And if your kid learns to speak Spanish from watching Dora or Diego, then haven’t you actually expanded your child’s knowledge? Now, if you have a teenager, then nothing you do is right anyway… so just do what you can to make it thru the day without having CPS show up at your house. Puberty hormones don’t just change teenager’s bodies; they also make mothers incredibly stupid. Appreciation from this age group won’t happen again until they have kids of their own. Trust me; I have apologized to my mom every day since my son has turned 14. Hoping that good karma and penance will help…

If you don’t make this appreciation happen for yourself, then you have to accept that it never will. It’s part of being a mom. Haven’t you seen the documentaries and biographies of serial killers and successful people? If the kid is a serial killer, it’s mom’s fault. If he’s a success, he always thanks Dad. Even if Dad is out of the picture for a while, he can show up years later with an excuse and it’s ok, because mom’s probably the one that ran him off in the first place… drove him into the arms of the stripper half his age all because she didn’t appreciate him and because the dirty dishes sat in the sink over night!

There is however, one practical reason to make sure at least one of your kids likes you – so that you have someone to take care of you when you are older. My advice is to have at least two or three kids to increase the odds. Tell each one of them separately that they are your favorite and only save for college for the smart one. For the rest, just put that money into a retirement fund. If you only have one kid, hedge your bet by spoiling a nephew or niece as well. And remember, if your kids don’t appreciate you… there are always grandchildren... Feeding them Big Red and Pop Tarts right before your ungrateful kid picks them up is always sweet revenge…

Enlightening Conversations

Bonnie – 4 ½ year old girl (my daughter)
Clyde – 6 year old boy (my nephew)

When these two are together… its constant entertainment. These are excerpts I overheard from their recent conversations.


Argument, Argument, Argument...
Clyde: “Fine, then I’m not going to marry you when we grow up!”
Thank God!

Super Powers
Clyde carries in a basket of "super powers."
Clyde: “Which super power do you want?”
Bonnie: “I want to make fire.”
Clyde: “No, that’s mine.”
Bonnie: “I want to fly.”
Clyde: “No, I do that.”
Three iterations of this later…
Clyde: “No, you can’t have that one. It’s for boys. Pick another one.”
Bonnie: “I want to the power to take all your powers!”
Now that’s pretty smart…

Clues
They’ve been searching for clues around the house. I’m not sure to what, but they seem to really need to find them. They keep gathering them in a dog tent in the evenings. I put them all back the next day. A fight ensued over the clues. Bonnie won the fight and had the bag/tent of clues.
Bonnie: “They are my clues.”
Clyde: “Ahhhh, I don’t have a clue!”
Must be an early symptom of his approaching teenage years…

You’re Fired
Bonnie: “You’re fired.”
This was uttered several times. There seemed to be no consistent reason.

Queen Bee
Bonnie: “I got bit by a queen ant.”
Clyde: “Maybe it was a king ant.”
Bonnie: “There is no king ant.”
Clyde: “Maybe it was a knight ant.”
Bonnie: “NO! The queen ants are the big ones. All the boys are workers. And the queen is the boss.”
Clyde: “When a girl is in charge, she’s called the queen bee.”
Bonnie: “Girls are always in charge of the boys. They tell them what to do so they’ll know.”
Clyde: “Only in ant and bee world. This is the real world.”

If I die...

This past weekend I had to drive in some less than desirable weather… it really scared me, thought about drowning in my car, a wreck… etc… Then it occurred to me that I really haven’t made the appropriate preparations for my death. Yeah, the debt, the kids… I know that all goes to the hubby. But what about the important stuff? Have I deleted all the porn off my computer lately? For the record:

Directives:
· Under no circumstances is my husband or mother to clean out my closet until Babs and Nat have gone thru it. You can divide up what you find, and don’t tell anyone what was in there. You know what I’m talking about…
· If I cannot be stuffed and put in the living room like I’ve always threatened my son with, I’d like to be cremated and spread at the beach. For the viewing, however, I’d like to wear my bathing suit. Also, I’d like post mortem liposuction and implants. I’d like to look really good in that bathing suit.
· Eyebrow & lip waxing. – Make sure this is done before the viewing. Also, in case of a prolonged coma, let me remind Babs that she’s agreed to come to the hospital weekly to take care of this.
· Instead of a funeral, I want a shrimp boil.
· Play Kokamo and All my Rowdy Friends have settled down… and any other 80’s music you feel like.
· If there’s some sort of donations in memory of, make it to the legal fund for the Sham Wow Guy because he got arrested recently. He needs it.
· Also, please make sure that my husband gets my name and dates tattooed on his arm.
· Make my son name his daughter after me. Good thing we’ve already arranged that marriage and his mother in law will make sure that happens. Thanks Babs!
· Can someone besides her daddy please make sure to explain to my daughter what a tampon is? I’m not sure he actually knows anyway…
· Misti – Please post pics of me from the viewing on Facebook so I can keep in touch with everyone.

My stuff:
· My Gucci Boots & Prada pumps go to Sarabell… she can truly appreciate a good shoe.
· The black mary janes with flames on the sides – Babs
· All the books to mom of course, most are probably hers that I’ve stolen anyway
· Someone needs to come get all the food that doesn’t have directions or measurements on it or my husband won’t be able to cook it anyway
· Clothes – I have everything from size 4 (still dreaming) to size 12… take your pick and please spill something on the chest right between the boobs every time you wear it in remembrance of me. Also, could someone please wear one of my outfits around my son every so often to annoy him? He constantly complains about the way I dress… but what is a mid-life crisis without new MILF clothes?
· IPOD – Doesn’t matter, but don’t give it to my son because he’ll just lose it.
· Partially written dark comedy book manuscript on my hard drive – Yes, its fiction, and you can tell because my husband is still alive… Teri, you are tasked with finishing this and continuing the blog.
· Frozen chocolate mousse buried in the freezer – whoever agrees gets the lipo done gets this.
· Various prescription drugs – please put in a bowl at the shrimp and everyone grab a handful. The blue & green ones may take a while to kick in…
· Once per month someone needs to sneak in the house and move things around, leave something of mine on the table or bed to freak my husband out.
· And someone is going to have to volunteer to be tech support for the remote control and television when my hubby can’t figure out how to get it back to the satellite or record his shows.
· Anyone know how to fix pool equipment?

Man, I’m gonna have to create an entire list of support contacts and instructions for my hubby… this is going to be more work than I thought…

Beware of Organic Rice

I'm all for organic... buy it when I can... but you need to know that if you buy organic rice that you have to use it quickly. It's not for storing for long periods of time.

Why might you ask? Well, because it's organic, there are no pesiticides used... which means there is the possibility that there are insect larvae living on that rice. If you store it for too long, then those hatch and turn into bugs. Finding these bugs is not a pleasant experience. My husband found them and he hasn't eaten for a while.

However, one cool thing that happened is because he found the bugs, he completely cleaned out the pantry and reorganized it. An unexpected benefit...

So... what have we learned?

Organic rice - not good for storing, contains extra protiens and can help you get your pantry cleaned out.

Plastic Easter Eggs

So we had the big Easter egg hunt today and of course we now have tons of plastic eggs. We always tried to reuse these anyway, but with the bigger focus on recycling these days, I figured there’d be tons of good ideas out there for what to do with them: Save for next year, wreath, side walk chalk, holding small household items, etc. BORING! Very disappointed.

The only cool idea I saw drilling a little whole in one half of the egg and putting them over your Christmas lights to make patio lights. I thought this would be a really good suggestion for all those people that STILL have their Christmas lights up… But wouldn’t that melt or start a fire? And how quickly would the attached trailer go up after that? Assuming the appropriate amount of kindling is in the yard (old mattresses, last year’s soft side pool from Wal-mart and the card board box the 52 inch plasma screen TV came in), one string of those homemade tiki lights could take out a whole row in the park.

I was thinking the eggs would make great jello shot containers. Lid already included, and you could color code for different flavors. After consuming several of the jello shots, these could then be recycled again as nipple shields. You could even decorate them, add a little Easter grass in the appropriate places and have your own little egg hunt. Would that be so wrong? Guys could use them, too… like a little helmet. And what if you glued those little googly eyes to them?

I’m very glad that the whole plastic grass thing is out. I hate that stuff. That crap stuck to everything and I was still finding it in various places until at least Christmas. I think it was made from cat hair and glitter. Our dogs also seemed to like it enough to eat it… It doesn’t digest of course, but it does add bling to the pile in the yard. That reminds me of our cat that used to eat balloons. I kept hoping that one day he’d eat one without making a hole in it and when he pooped it out it would blow up out of his butt… stupid cats… yeah that’s a whole other post…
If you have any other great ideas for recycling plastic Easter eggs, post them here… I’m sure my husband is going to get tired of waking up with an egg helmet before we run out of eggs…

Easy money?

Last night I was halfway listening to a news story about how money making scams are increasing and how more people are vulnerable and falling prey to these because of the current economic climate. “Many people are looking for ways to make money…” and getting taken… but I think that should be clarified… most of these people are throwing out all common sense and are looking for ways to make EASY money. Here’s what I think:

1. There is no such thing as EASY money, you’re gonna have to work for a living like the rest of us.
2. Rely on some common sense. If you don’t have any, ask someone else… and not your buddy that’s trying to get you to invest in the phyto plankton farm he’s starting in his backyard that will revolutionize the food industry, be powered by wind, have a negative carbon foot print and will make you a 500% profit in just three months. “Food of the future: Plankton, it’s not just for whales anymore!”
3. You did not really win the Nigerian, Irish, UK, Pakistan, Australian or Antarctic lottery.
4. You might have actually won the Louisiana lottery, because you only have to match 3 out of 10 numbers (more numbers and choices were shot down by the state government as unfair because most people only knew the numbers in the 1-10 range), but don’t spend that money before you get it because you’ll likely have to share it will several 100 people and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagen.
5. If an online business with no traceable origin is asking you to wire cash from your personal account, then I’d say it is less than a stellar opportunity. Real businesses have their own bank accounts and transaction systems.
6. The only way to really make money with the “Internet Home business Opportunity System that we’ll send you for just $100” is to sell more Internet Home Business Opportunity Systems.
7. You will not receive a free laptop, vacation, good vibes or a cool animated message that pops up on your screen by forwarding an email to 200 people. You will only allow the initiator of the email to track and gather all the email addresses attached to it, sell the list to others and set up all your friends to receive emails offers for guaranteed male enhancement products. Granted we can all get on board with that… but who has time to enjoy when you have to sort all that email spam or run to every Western Union office you can find to send “rebate” money to Nigeria?
8. There is no mystery shopper. Get over it. No one is going to pay you to shop.
9. You can’t make $2000 at home typing. Just like those male enhancement products, if this were true, why would anyone leave the house?
10. You cannot get neurology or psychiatric degrees or a surgical license by attending an online degree program. You will not become Dr. House with a few online classes. You could however, become a financial business CEO or stock broker with just a few seminars.
11. You cannot win money with online poker. You are on a computer. You are playing a computer. Put it together.
12. The stock market is not a bank. If you don’t know anything about stocks, then don’t buy them.
13. You are not going to get a government grant to pay your living expenses while you start your new, feasible and fiscally responsible business by filling out an online form. They will however pay for the plankton farm and all your expenses if you just wire $100 dollars to Mr. Charlatan in Fleece City, Nigeria.
14. Just yelling “It’s my money, and I need it now!” out the window doesn’t work… it does however get your neighbors to plant more bushes and trees in between your houses.
15. It’s not the government’s responsibility to protect you from your own stupidity… I’d say it starts with your parents… but it they invested your college fund in selling Amway or those great knives that cut thru cans then a tomato… you’re probably on your own.

I apologize if any of you readers have fallen prey to these schemes… I do not mean to offend you or imply that you are stupid. In fact, if you’ll just send $19.95 to my PayPal account: fraudtips@dupe.com, I’ll gladly send you a guide to help you keep the money that you have.

I speak Chinese

My daughter learned Chinese yesterday. She's 4 1/2 and she learned it from our dog Champ. When I asked how Champ new, she said that our other dog Heidi had taught him. Apparently Heidi was born with this skill. The weird thing is that the words she said in Chinese were actually correct. She said thank you... and said it correctly. Perhaps I need to start including Heidi on my conference calls that include Chinese partners as a translator.


I wonder if she knows Spanish too?

Welcome

Ok, I did it... I created a blog. Now what?

So, I guess we should lay some ground rules... if you do something stupid and I know you... you'll probably end up on this blog. I can only post so many blogs about what my husband does or doesn't do before he finds this blog and divorces me... Please don't be offended, it's your own fault really. I won't use real names to protect your identity, especially if it's a prosecutable offense. If you are relative and there's only one of you... oh let's say like my mom... then I guess you're just screwed...

Luckily I'm surrounded by chaos and there should be plenty of material. I may throw out a few old "observations" just so I'll look like a real blogger. I mean, I can only type so fast, and my husband can only do so many stupid things per day (or so I assume)...

So, read, enjoy and join in the conversation!