If I die...

This past weekend I had to drive in some less than desirable weather… it really scared me, thought about drowning in my car, a wreck… etc… Then it occurred to me that I really haven’t made the appropriate preparations for my death. Yeah, the debt, the kids… I know that all goes to the hubby. But what about the important stuff? Have I deleted all the porn off my computer lately? For the record:

Directives:
· Under no circumstances is my husband or mother to clean out my closet until Babs and Nat have gone thru it. You can divide up what you find, and don’t tell anyone what was in there. You know what I’m talking about…
· If I cannot be stuffed and put in the living room like I’ve always threatened my son with, I’d like to be cremated and spread at the beach. For the viewing, however, I’d like to wear my bathing suit. Also, I’d like post mortem liposuction and implants. I’d like to look really good in that bathing suit.
· Eyebrow & lip waxing. – Make sure this is done before the viewing. Also, in case of a prolonged coma, let me remind Babs that she’s agreed to come to the hospital weekly to take care of this.
· Instead of a funeral, I want a shrimp boil.
· Play Kokamo and All my Rowdy Friends have settled down… and any other 80’s music you feel like.
· If there’s some sort of donations in memory of, make it to the legal fund for the Sham Wow Guy because he got arrested recently. He needs it.
· Also, please make sure that my husband gets my name and dates tattooed on his arm.
· Make my son name his daughter after me. Good thing we’ve already arranged that marriage and his mother in law will make sure that happens. Thanks Babs!
· Can someone besides her daddy please make sure to explain to my daughter what a tampon is? I’m not sure he actually knows anyway…
· Misti – Please post pics of me from the viewing on Facebook so I can keep in touch with everyone.

My stuff:
· My Gucci Boots & Prada pumps go to Sarabell… she can truly appreciate a good shoe.
· The black mary janes with flames on the sides – Babs
· All the books to mom of course, most are probably hers that I’ve stolen anyway
· Someone needs to come get all the food that doesn’t have directions or measurements on it or my husband won’t be able to cook it anyway
· Clothes – I have everything from size 4 (still dreaming) to size 12… take your pick and please spill something on the chest right between the boobs every time you wear it in remembrance of me. Also, could someone please wear one of my outfits around my son every so often to annoy him? He constantly complains about the way I dress… but what is a mid-life crisis without new MILF clothes?
· IPOD – Doesn’t matter, but don’t give it to my son because he’ll just lose it.
· Partially written dark comedy book manuscript on my hard drive – Yes, its fiction, and you can tell because my husband is still alive… Teri, you are tasked with finishing this and continuing the blog.
· Frozen chocolate mousse buried in the freezer – whoever agrees gets the lipo done gets this.
· Various prescription drugs – please put in a bowl at the shrimp and everyone grab a handful. The blue & green ones may take a while to kick in…
· Once per month someone needs to sneak in the house and move things around, leave something of mine on the table or bed to freak my husband out.
· And someone is going to have to volunteer to be tech support for the remote control and television when my hubby can’t figure out how to get it back to the satellite or record his shows.
· Anyone know how to fix pool equipment?

Man, I’m gonna have to create an entire list of support contacts and instructions for my hubby… this is going to be more work than I thought…