Happy Mother’s Day!

First of all, Happy Mother’s Day to my mom (Scoring big points by wishing her this on an extremely famous public forum). And then Happy Mother’s Day to the women that are my friends and family. Better take this wish, because it’s likely one of the few times you’ll be appreciated as a mom.

Being a mom has been the most challenging learning experience of my life. Forget “Chicken Soup for the Mother’s Soul”, it’s been more like “Sloppy Joe’s that Save the Mother’s Sanity.” I never understood why my mom was always so busy until I had kids of my own. Now, I don’t understand how she made it thru without antidepressants, Starbucks, Nickelodeon and the Target $1 bin. What I do know is that all mother’s have an intrinsic motivation to be the best mom ever. This of course, is unobtainable. And then we beat ourselves up over this “failure” day after day. I’m here to tell you, that on this Mother’s Day, and every day going forward, cut yourself a little slack. Moms are people, too. And if we didn’t screw up our kids at least a little, there would be thousands of mental health professionals out of work.

So to the tired, working moms… if you pick up your kids from the daycare that you feel like is raising them and drive thru McDonald’s on the way home one evening because you are just too tired to cook… get over it. As long as you don’t do this every day, your kids will live. You can’t make an entire homemade meal every night, from organic vegetables you grew yourself or picked up at the local farmer’s market, accompanied by homemade bread and lightly flavored water. Martha made everything from scratch and how’d that turn out? She went to jail and her daughter has become famous by making fun of her on TV. (“Whatever, Martha” – check it out… hilarious!) Stay at home mom’s have even more pressure to be perfect, after all… the whole point of them staying home is to raise the children, clean the house and serve a perfectly cooked nutritional meal every evening with a smile on her face and spring in her step. Pure insanity. Anyone that has spent 24/7 with a toddler knows that it’s time to find a relief babysitter when you are striking up a conversation with a telemarketer just to talk to another adult. Just remember that Benadryl is a safe drug and it can treat all types of allergies and sickness for kids and moms… especially if mom is sick and tired of gluing macaroni to paper and cleaning up fossilized food that someone hid under a cushion.

What you mom’s have to realize is that you need to give yourself a break. Yeah, your kids and maybe even your husband show their appreciation on Mother’s Day… but it’s up to you to take that appreciation and time for yourself on a daily basis. Don’t worry about parking that kid in front of the TV for an hour or so while you read a book or a gossip magazine. They won’t be scarred for life and their brains won’t turn to mush from too much TV. And if your kid learns to speak Spanish from watching Dora or Diego, then haven’t you actually expanded your child’s knowledge? Now, if you have a teenager, then nothing you do is right anyway… so just do what you can to make it thru the day without having CPS show up at your house. Puberty hormones don’t just change teenager’s bodies; they also make mothers incredibly stupid. Appreciation from this age group won’t happen again until they have kids of their own. Trust me; I have apologized to my mom every day since my son has turned 14. Hoping that good karma and penance will help…

If you don’t make this appreciation happen for yourself, then you have to accept that it never will. It’s part of being a mom. Haven’t you seen the documentaries and biographies of serial killers and successful people? If the kid is a serial killer, it’s mom’s fault. If he’s a success, he always thanks Dad. Even if Dad is out of the picture for a while, he can show up years later with an excuse and it’s ok, because mom’s probably the one that ran him off in the first place… drove him into the arms of the stripper half his age all because she didn’t appreciate him and because the dirty dishes sat in the sink over night!

There is however, one practical reason to make sure at least one of your kids likes you – so that you have someone to take care of you when you are older. My advice is to have at least two or three kids to increase the odds. Tell each one of them separately that they are your favorite and only save for college for the smart one. For the rest, just put that money into a retirement fund. If you only have one kid, hedge your bet by spoiling a nephew or niece as well. And remember, if your kids don’t appreciate you… there are always grandchildren... Feeding them Big Red and Pop Tarts right before your ungrateful kid picks them up is always sweet revenge…