“Cougarass”

They hype around the show/movie “Jackass” and the popularity of the term “Cougar” somehow crossed paths in my mind. For those of you that don’t know what these are…

Jackass – Boys doing really stupid stunts on camera – something like my brothers would do

Cougar - A 35+ year old female who is on the "hunt" for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in San Francisco (or other cities)waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path.

My thought... What if there were a “Cougarass” There are many opportunities for laughter in filming these situations or stunts:

· 30 boxes of Calgon in a pool
· Tattoo
· Tattoo removal
· Piercing
· Stitches
· The gym – figuring out how to use all the machines
· Dating child’s teacher
· Dating older child’s friends
· Dressing for first date, including the packing of the purse
· Textual relationships
· Restraining orders: How far can you push
· Facebook self esteem issues
· You’re going to be a Grandmother!
· Stop drinking coffee
· Wine shortage
· Victoria Secret clearance shopping
· Juniors clearance rack at any store
· Cancun trip - Cougars gone wild! Without underwire!
· Swim suit shopping
· Hannah Montana intervention
· Bling; How much is too much?
· Medication and dosage changes
· Menopause – including pre & post
· Switching teams – Is another man really the answer or should you explore your options?
· Getting the right smart phone plan
· Mastering TV remote controls
· Buying beer for boyfriend
· Meeting boyfriend’s mom
· Telling people you are pregnant when they know you've had a hysterectomy
· Figuring out the how to use the Play Station

I have enough friends to get this project started. Who’s with me?

Coffee; Mother’s Milk

Couldn’t figure out why the kitchen smelled so good, warm and inviting… Crap! Instead of hitting the auto button to time the coffee to brew in the morning I hit the ON button. Here it is bedtime and I have full pot off delicious coffee. But not just delicious, expensive coffee. How can I waste this pot of coffee? Do you know how long it takes coffee to grow? Forever. And how time consuming it is to pick it, roast it, bag it and ship it? Haven’t you ever read or seen “Out of Africa”? When the season’s coffee crop burned it was very emotional for multiple reasons and not just because Meryl Streep’s accent had finally worn on you by then. Bet that was a good smelling fire though… "I had a farm in Africa at the foot of the Ngong Hills..."

Anyhow, I couldn’t waste it. Poured what I could into a glass jar and put in the fridge. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it. There was some that wouldn’t fit in the jar. I drank it. I mean I couldn’t waste it.

Now it’s 3:00am and I’m awake writing about the virtues of coffee. I thought surely washing down a Tylenol PM with coffee would have balanced the effects. NOT. I’m wide awake AND drowsy. It’s kind of cool actually…

What if we didn’t have access to coffee? Coffee trees will not grow in Texas, or anywhere else in the contiguous United States. We are completely dependent on imported resources. Screw the oil… we’ll eventually find another energy source to replace that. NOTHING can replace coffee. We need to secure our supply. I’m thinking there would be a lot of support for military action if coffee were involved; “Operation Tropical Storm”, sponsored by Starbucks.

Desert Island game: If you could have one thing if stranded on a desert island? Coffee; Mother’s Milk.

Stupid Problems

People are really spoiled these days. What we call problems… Caroline Ingalls would call luxuries (Little House on the Prairie reference for those of you that didn’t get cable back then). So before you feel the weight of your world on your shoulders… just ask: “What Would Caroline Do?” I think she’d brew up a homemade poultice to put on the scratch on her leg that gets infected and almost kills her because there were no antibiotics back then and tell us to shut the hell up.

Stupid problems we have
· Gluten level in our pet food
· No HD option for the movies you watch on your PHONE
· 5 second internet latency
· Actually using math at your job
· Pool light is out
· Teeth are stained from rich frothy coffee, expensive cigars, cigarettes and chocolate
· Missed it on sale
· That's last year’s purse
· Slow printer
· Writing something besides your name
· Tired of leftovers
· Facebook is blocked at work
· Hot beer
· TV writers strike
· The concho fell off your $60 flip flops
· 15 minute wait for the doctor
· Line at grocery store checkout
· Over done steak
· Late plane
· Stinky bug spray
· Feasible problems
· DVR hard drive crash
· Need to fax something