If I die...

This past weekend I had to drive in some less than desirable weather… it really scared me, thought about drowning in my car, a wreck… etc… Then it occurred to me that I really haven’t made the appropriate preparations for my death. Yeah, the debt, the kids… I know that all goes to the hubby. But what about the important stuff? Have I deleted all the porn off my computer lately? For the record:

Directives:
· Under no circumstances is my husband or mother to clean out my closet until Babs and Nat have gone thru it. You can divide up what you find, and don’t tell anyone what was in there. You know what I’m talking about…
· If I cannot be stuffed and put in the living room like I’ve always threatened my son with, I’d like to be cremated and spread at the beach. For the viewing, however, I’d like to wear my bathing suit. Also, I’d like post mortem liposuction and implants. I’d like to look really good in that bathing suit.
· Eyebrow & lip waxing. – Make sure this is done before the viewing. Also, in case of a prolonged coma, let me remind Babs that she’s agreed to come to the hospital weekly to take care of this.
· Instead of a funeral, I want a shrimp boil.
· Play Kokamo and All my Rowdy Friends have settled down… and any other 80’s music you feel like.
· If there’s some sort of donations in memory of, make it to the legal fund for the Sham Wow Guy because he got arrested recently. He needs it.
· Also, please make sure that my husband gets my name and dates tattooed on his arm.
· Make my son name his daughter after me. Good thing we’ve already arranged that marriage and his mother in law will make sure that happens. Thanks Babs!
· Can someone besides her daddy please make sure to explain to my daughter what a tampon is? I’m not sure he actually knows anyway…
· Misti – Please post pics of me from the viewing on Facebook so I can keep in touch with everyone.

My stuff:
· My Gucci Boots & Prada pumps go to Sarabell… she can truly appreciate a good shoe.
· The black mary janes with flames on the sides – Babs
· All the books to mom of course, most are probably hers that I’ve stolen anyway
· Someone needs to come get all the food that doesn’t have directions or measurements on it or my husband won’t be able to cook it anyway
· Clothes – I have everything from size 4 (still dreaming) to size 12… take your pick and please spill something on the chest right between the boobs every time you wear it in remembrance of me. Also, could someone please wear one of my outfits around my son every so often to annoy him? He constantly complains about the way I dress… but what is a mid-life crisis without new MILF clothes?
· IPOD – Doesn’t matter, but don’t give it to my son because he’ll just lose it.
· Partially written dark comedy book manuscript on my hard drive – Yes, its fiction, and you can tell because my husband is still alive… Teri, you are tasked with finishing this and continuing the blog.
· Frozen chocolate mousse buried in the freezer – whoever agrees gets the lipo done gets this.
· Various prescription drugs – please put in a bowl at the shrimp and everyone grab a handful. The blue & green ones may take a while to kick in…
· Once per month someone needs to sneak in the house and move things around, leave something of mine on the table or bed to freak my husband out.
· And someone is going to have to volunteer to be tech support for the remote control and television when my hubby can’t figure out how to get it back to the satellite or record his shows.
· Anyone know how to fix pool equipment?

Man, I’m gonna have to create an entire list of support contacts and instructions for my hubby… this is going to be more work than I thought…

Beware of Organic Rice

I'm all for organic... buy it when I can... but you need to know that if you buy organic rice that you have to use it quickly. It's not for storing for long periods of time.

Why might you ask? Well, because it's organic, there are no pesiticides used... which means there is the possibility that there are insect larvae living on that rice. If you store it for too long, then those hatch and turn into bugs. Finding these bugs is not a pleasant experience. My husband found them and he hasn't eaten for a while.

However, one cool thing that happened is because he found the bugs, he completely cleaned out the pantry and reorganized it. An unexpected benefit...

So... what have we learned?

Organic rice - not good for storing, contains extra protiens and can help you get your pantry cleaned out.

Plastic Easter Eggs

So we had the big Easter egg hunt today and of course we now have tons of plastic eggs. We always tried to reuse these anyway, but with the bigger focus on recycling these days, I figured there’d be tons of good ideas out there for what to do with them: Save for next year, wreath, side walk chalk, holding small household items, etc. BORING! Very disappointed.

The only cool idea I saw drilling a little whole in one half of the egg and putting them over your Christmas lights to make patio lights. I thought this would be a really good suggestion for all those people that STILL have their Christmas lights up… But wouldn’t that melt or start a fire? And how quickly would the attached trailer go up after that? Assuming the appropriate amount of kindling is in the yard (old mattresses, last year’s soft side pool from Wal-mart and the card board box the 52 inch plasma screen TV came in), one string of those homemade tiki lights could take out a whole row in the park.

I was thinking the eggs would make great jello shot containers. Lid already included, and you could color code for different flavors. After consuming several of the jello shots, these could then be recycled again as nipple shields. You could even decorate them, add a little Easter grass in the appropriate places and have your own little egg hunt. Would that be so wrong? Guys could use them, too… like a little helmet. And what if you glued those little googly eyes to them?

I’m very glad that the whole plastic grass thing is out. I hate that stuff. That crap stuck to everything and I was still finding it in various places until at least Christmas. I think it was made from cat hair and glitter. Our dogs also seemed to like it enough to eat it… It doesn’t digest of course, but it does add bling to the pile in the yard. That reminds me of our cat that used to eat balloons. I kept hoping that one day he’d eat one without making a hole in it and when he pooped it out it would blow up out of his butt… stupid cats… yeah that’s a whole other post…
If you have any other great ideas for recycling plastic Easter eggs, post them here… I’m sure my husband is going to get tired of waking up with an egg helmet before we run out of eggs…

Easy money?

Last night I was halfway listening to a news story about how money making scams are increasing and how more people are vulnerable and falling prey to these because of the current economic climate. “Many people are looking for ways to make money…” and getting taken… but I think that should be clarified… most of these people are throwing out all common sense and are looking for ways to make EASY money. Here’s what I think:

1. There is no such thing as EASY money, you’re gonna have to work for a living like the rest of us.
2. Rely on some common sense. If you don’t have any, ask someone else… and not your buddy that’s trying to get you to invest in the phyto plankton farm he’s starting in his backyard that will revolutionize the food industry, be powered by wind, have a negative carbon foot print and will make you a 500% profit in just three months. “Food of the future: Plankton, it’s not just for whales anymore!”
3. You did not really win the Nigerian, Irish, UK, Pakistan, Australian or Antarctic lottery.
4. You might have actually won the Louisiana lottery, because you only have to match 3 out of 10 numbers (more numbers and choices were shot down by the state government as unfair because most people only knew the numbers in the 1-10 range), but don’t spend that money before you get it because you’ll likely have to share it will several 100 people and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagen.
5. If an online business with no traceable origin is asking you to wire cash from your personal account, then I’d say it is less than a stellar opportunity. Real businesses have their own bank accounts and transaction systems.
6. The only way to really make money with the “Internet Home business Opportunity System that we’ll send you for just $100” is to sell more Internet Home Business Opportunity Systems.
7. You will not receive a free laptop, vacation, good vibes or a cool animated message that pops up on your screen by forwarding an email to 200 people. You will only allow the initiator of the email to track and gather all the email addresses attached to it, sell the list to others and set up all your friends to receive emails offers for guaranteed male enhancement products. Granted we can all get on board with that… but who has time to enjoy when you have to sort all that email spam or run to every Western Union office you can find to send “rebate” money to Nigeria?
8. There is no mystery shopper. Get over it. No one is going to pay you to shop.
9. You can’t make $2000 at home typing. Just like those male enhancement products, if this were true, why would anyone leave the house?
10. You cannot get neurology or psychiatric degrees or a surgical license by attending an online degree program. You will not become Dr. House with a few online classes. You could however, become a financial business CEO or stock broker with just a few seminars.
11. You cannot win money with online poker. You are on a computer. You are playing a computer. Put it together.
12. The stock market is not a bank. If you don’t know anything about stocks, then don’t buy them.
13. You are not going to get a government grant to pay your living expenses while you start your new, feasible and fiscally responsible business by filling out an online form. They will however pay for the plankton farm and all your expenses if you just wire $100 dollars to Mr. Charlatan in Fleece City, Nigeria.
14. Just yelling “It’s my money, and I need it now!” out the window doesn’t work… it does however get your neighbors to plant more bushes and trees in between your houses.
15. It’s not the government’s responsibility to protect you from your own stupidity… I’d say it starts with your parents… but it they invested your college fund in selling Amway or those great knives that cut thru cans then a tomato… you’re probably on your own.

I apologize if any of you readers have fallen prey to these schemes… I do not mean to offend you or imply that you are stupid. In fact, if you’ll just send $19.95 to my PayPal account: fraudtips@dupe.com, I’ll gladly send you a guide to help you keep the money that you have.

I speak Chinese

My daughter learned Chinese yesterday. She's 4 1/2 and she learned it from our dog Champ. When I asked how Champ new, she said that our other dog Heidi had taught him. Apparently Heidi was born with this skill. The weird thing is that the words she said in Chinese were actually correct. She said thank you... and said it correctly. Perhaps I need to start including Heidi on my conference calls that include Chinese partners as a translator.


I wonder if she knows Spanish too?

Welcome

Ok, I did it... I created a blog. Now what?

So, I guess we should lay some ground rules... if you do something stupid and I know you... you'll probably end up on this blog. I can only post so many blogs about what my husband does or doesn't do before he finds this blog and divorces me... Please don't be offended, it's your own fault really. I won't use real names to protect your identity, especially if it's a prosecutable offense. If you are relative and there's only one of you... oh let's say like my mom... then I guess you're just screwed...

Luckily I'm surrounded by chaos and there should be plenty of material. I may throw out a few old "observations" just so I'll look like a real blogger. I mean, I can only type so fast, and my husband can only do so many stupid things per day (or so I assume)...

So, read, enjoy and join in the conversation!