Wedding Invitation

My mom emailed me a funny wedding invitation... You are regretfully invited to the wedding of my perfect son, the Doctor to some cheap, two-bit tramp whose name escapes me right now... You get the picture... you've probably seen it in an email before. It inspired me to come up with my own:

Your presence is required to witness the wedding and transmission of responsibility of my son

Buddy Bob Smith

to his new faux mother and keeper

Candi Kane

The most liberating day of my life will take place on

Saturday, DATE

In San Gabriel Park

because we have no funds available to rent a decent place due to the continued unemployment of my husband and the fact that we've already spent quite enough money on this kid (of which my hopes for RIO are slim). Consequently any wedding funds have been directed to savings for the next child as this one is more likely to take care of me in my old age.Please bring any appropriate decorations that you may have for this event. Free balloons are handed out to children at the HEB down the road and there are still flowers blooming along the roadside.

The reception will be held at the Sonic two blocks away. All wedding guests will need to be there promptly at 8:00pm to receive their free Rootbeer Float as advertised, accompanied by one item of your choice from the $1 menu.

The couple is registered at:

State Farm Insurance

AT&T - Mobile Go Phone

Itunes

Exxon Convenience Store - Williams Drive

IKEA

The couple will be honeymooning at Family Compound Bed & Breakfast. (We're going all out; hooking up the water to the trailer and changing the sheets) After a weekend of celebrating their vows, they will be moving in with the bride's family and all non-monetary gifts should be sent to ADDRESS. All monetary gifts can be sent to Mommia at ADDRESS. If you do not wish to send gifts at this time, note you will have a second opportunity at their baby shower. Date and location are pending paternity test results.

Thank you in advance for your attendance at this proceeding. Please RSVP promptly if you are a notary so that the transfer of ownership and all debts can be properly documented or if you can legally perform wedding ceremonies as cousin Earl may not be able to complete the online course in time to be ordained.

Girl Day

I recently had a “Girls’ Day” with my friends and we had a blast! As we are older and much more mature (LOL), it was definitely different than it was when we used to go out though. Since this is what I’m paid to do (I wish), here are my observations:

· Your true friends will always remember the most significant moments of your life, but more importantly the most embarrassing!
· Laughing until your face hurts is the best pick me up ever
· Each hour that you stay up past 10:00 is an accomplishment
· We wonder how we ever made it without cell phones!
· Everyone was relieved that we weren’t actually going to have to get dressed and go out some where
· No two drinks are ever made alike, and they get stronger as the evening goes on…
· We are all very sorry for the antics during our teenage years now that payback is looming
· Sunscreen is good
· Temporary tattoos are still the most fun ever!
· Explicit agreements on what gets posted on Facebook need to be made prior to alcohol consumption
· CMT & MTV have been replaced by HGTV, Travel Channel and the Food Network
· We can all afford to buy better beer than Natural Light, and that’s a good thing.
· Someone throwing up before the night is over is not a given
· The truth may still hurt, but at least your true friends tell it to you while you are drunk and you can all laugh about it!
· And luckily, some things never change… Wendy still needs that last beer and cigarette!